An Interview

An Interview
by Andrew Moravick

John: Where am I?

Man in White: Well my friend, you are here of course.

Man in Black: It’s a small office building in Wisconsin.

John: Oh

Man in White: I apologize; my counterpart here enjoys trying to take the fun out of everything I say.

John: So why am I here?

Man in White: Everyone always seems to ask that question. Well of course you’re here because-

Man in Black: It’s an interview… of sorts, does that suffice?

John: An interview? I have a job already, I didn’t ask for an interview. How’d I get here anyway?

Man in White: Does it really matter how you got here? You are here, and here isn’t all that bad, so why worry?

Man in Black: I had some of my associates sequester you in your sleep and spirit you away safely situated in my personal jet; hence the pajamas.

John: Oh… Wait, why would you kidnap me for an interview?

Man in White: It’s not kidnapping as much as forcefully honoring ourselves with your presence.
You see we need your unique opinion because you have a special gift.

Man in Black: Yes, some special gift, sorry son, but it seems that you have been blessed to be sublimely simple. You sir are the most average person existing on the surface of the earth at this very second.

John: Hey! I’m not average! I have a wife, two kids, a decent paying job and a nice little house in the suburbs. That’s not average is it?

Man in Black: My sad simpleton seems you have answered your own question.

Man in White: Forget about that my friend, because of your gift; you represent the average tastes of every person alive today. So what we would like to see is which company you would rather work for.

John: Couldn’t you just take a poll or something to do that?

Man in White: One of my branches has been attempting that for a while, going door to door and such, but no one likes to let them in to talk, and often times they end up dealing with some of my other affiliates by mistake.

John: Ah. So you want to see whose company I’d rather work for, but you’re not actually offering me a job?

Man in White: That’s correct.

John: So why didn’t you just call me, I could’ve done a phone interview?

Man in White: That wouldn’t have worked my friend, because of my opposition’s over zealous advertising tactics; you would have just dismissed us as telemarketers.

Man in Black: Yes, of course, those tasteless telemarketers are mine, but those sorry souls aren’t half as bad as those self-righteous televange-

Man in White: Anyway, allow us to present our cases. My company, a moral, just, and upstanding institution offers a rewarding environment where you know that all that you do is for the good of others. Plus my company offers the best retirement plan one can imagine.

Man in Black: Rewards, that’s rich. Son it seems as if its success and satisfaction which you seek. My establishment supplies its employees with unsanctioned opportunities. Anything you desire shall be yours. It is my belief that all the sensations of a person should be stimulated to inspire the highest level of efficiency. My institution is based on results, and at this very second over sixty six point six percent of all other companies are affiliated with me in some sort.

John: That’s it? You brought me all the way out here for that! You want me to choose between a company whose spokesperson is incredibly vague and idealistic, and a guy who hisses as he pitches a company that sounds like hell. I can’t believe either of you! I want to go home!

Man in White: As you wish.

Man in Black: That’s it, I used my special jet to speed him out here, and in an instant you just send him straight home.

Man in White: Well if you weren’t hissing with all your unnecessary words with S sounds he probably wouldn’t be so scared off.

Man in Black: I’ve sincerely strived to cease speaking in such a serpentine manner, but it’s just so hard when that’s been my thing for thousands and thousands of years. Oh but splendid stuff on your presentation. No one ever seems to understand a single word you say.

Man in White: Well I can’t make them understand, it’s all up to them.

Man in Black: Yes well suddenly I’m sick of this business, I’m going back to hell; seems the place has seen a massive increase of occupants as of late, and their misery demands my company.