The Look (Short Story)

The Look
By Andrew Moravick


She looked at me. I can’t believe she looked at me! She couldn’t have possibly been looking at me. Is there some other jock sitting behind me or something? Should I look back at her? No she’d probably be offended or think I was some kind of pervert or something. Wait is something wrong with me? Do I have like a huge zit or a cowlick or something? Are my glasses off center on my face? The look wasn’t of disgust though. I mean her eyes were gentle and kind. There was no hint of, “your tag is hanging out,” or “you have a booger hanging out of your nose.” It was almost as if she might like me. Why would she like me though? I just answered the last couple of questions correctly, that’s nothing impressive. Anyway she’s the kind of girl that gives those kinds of looks to the frat boys, and athletes, not guys like me. She probably doesn’t even know my name. Most people here don’t. In all the classes before this she’s never looked at me. What would make her look at me? Is she drunk? She did walk a little bit funny this morning, and her hair is kind of messy. Maybe she’s just drunk. That’s probably it, she does party a lot. Still why would she look at me when she’s drunk? You’re supposed to lose your inhibitions when you’re drunk, maybe she had a secret desire for me. Is it possible? No it couldn’t be could it. I’m still just a book worm. Plus, what would we talk about? I mean she never says anything in class, and seems more interested in her hair than any of our discussions. Then again her hair is beautiful. The blonde glow of it when the fluorescent light strikes it in just the night way is quite breathtaking. Perhaps she has a deep appreciation for aesthetic values. But if that’s true, and she does love beautiful things, why would she look at me? I’m 18 years old and I weigh 120 pounds. My skin is whiter than the ceiling tiles, and my hair more resembles a nesting place for birds than anything one should expect atop any remotely attractive person’s head. What’s so beautiful about me that would deserve her appreciation? Maybe it is just my intelligence. I mean brains can be sexy right? I do have the highest grade in the class, and sometimes I even correct the professor on certain things. Maybe that’s what she likes about me. I could after all recite several Shakespearian Sonnets to her from pure memorization, or speak to her in three different romance languages with perfect accents. Isn’t that sexy? I see it in the movies all the time where a guy just makes one clever turn of phrase and the woman is all his. I am way more clever than those movie characters anyway. If I can fire off a 10 page paper in two hours or less I think I can make one clever or provocative line. Maybe she knows that too, maybe that’s what she really wants? What kind of look was it though? It was definitely a nice look. I know that, but was it more of a “you look nice today I’m impressed,” sort of look, or maybe a “your last comment was very deep and inspiring” sort of look, but I know for sure it wasn’t a “damn you’re sexy I want to make love to you right now” sort of look. I don’t think I’ll ever get the “lovemaking” look, but anything is possible right? I mean some of the cretins here got in to college which I previously thought were impossible, and then likewise could it be so impossible that I could be sexy? I mean at least I’m not fat. Obesity is a huge problem, and I don’t think any attractive girl wants to settle for a fat guy. I do have abs, girls like abs. All the magazines girls read have somewhere in them some guy showing off his abs so in theory since I have abs I do have some physical sex appeal. Sure they aren’t all rock hard and so heavily defined but they’re there. When would she have seen my abs though? I mean for all she knows I have a pudge role tucked under all the sweatshirts and loose clothes I wear. Maybe that look was just her admiring my shirt. I am wearing a nice shirt today. My mom has good taste in clothing. Maybe I should wear more of the clothes she bought me for my birthday. I think the look she gave me was nicer than that though. There was a sort of fire in her eyes. Like there was some sort of connection she felt between us. Maybe some how we share the same wavelength of thought, and that’s why she might be attracted to me. Maybe tomorrow I should sit next to her so we can talk. I could even help her out in class. She hasn’t been doing very well. The professor at times seemed very frustrated with her for chatting with her friends in class. Wait maybe that’s not a good idea, she may like me but her friends don’t know me. They probably just think I’m a perve putting such an obvious move on her. Maybe that’s why she looked at me, she’s afraid of me. She thinks I’m one of those creepy friendless weirdoes who go crazy. Maybe the look was just supposed to be a nice gesture because she thought I might go crazy one day and that because of that nice look I wouldn’t hurt her. What a horrible thought. She should know I’m just a nice guy. I’m as friendly and caring as the best man she could meet. Probably more so. I have a great respect for women and all people for that matter. I would never do such an atrocious act. No she wouldn’t think that. Even though I sit alone at the cafeteria and don’t leave my room much I usually always have a smile on my face. I have no reason to be sad or angry I have a perfect 4.0 and in less than four years I’ll be enrolling at a top notch graduate school. Maybe that’s why she was looking at me. She knows how smart I am and knows I will be successful. A lot of girls do come to college looking for husbands, and I think I would be a good investment for any woman as a spouse. Would she really go that far in thinking about me though? I’ve never talked to her, how would she know I’m good husband material? Still the look she gave me did seem very kind. Maybe I should look up her number in the school directory and give her a call. Then I can really find out how she feels. No, I shouldn’t do that. If I do that it may seem like I’m stalking her, then if she did feel anything for me she’d be too frightened to talk to me. That would just ruin everything. Should I talk to her after class? That’s probably a good idea, a person to person meeting is much less bizarre, and since we're both taking the same class it’s not too out of the ordinary for two students to talk to one another. What would I say to her though? I mean I can’t really talk about what was discussed in class cause it really doesn’t seem like she’s paying attention. Plus if I talk about school she’ll probably find me uninteresting. Wait it is my mind she’d be attracted to. I mean what else could it be? So maybe a little intelligent conversation couldn’t hurt, but wait, if it’s the wrong topic she might not be interested anyway. That shouldn’t be a problem though, if I can figure out a quadruple variable calculus equation I can certainly figure out what I can talk to her about. Her appreciation for beauty could be a good topic. I do know a thing or two about fine art, and photography, that will probably interest her. Oh no, I can’t talk about art, that will seem overpoweringly gay, I don’t want to seem gay to her because then she’ll just think of me as her nice gay friend, even though I’m not gay. Then if she thinks I’m gay she’d probably tell other people and then I’ll get the reputation of being the quiet nerdy gay kid. I don’t want to be known as the gay kid when I’m not gay. Maybe I could offer her help in the class. That would be a good start, and then I’d have a reason to see her a lot too. Then maybe one thing will lead to another and I might even get to kiss her. I bet she’s a good kisser. She’d probably knock my socks off if we ever kissed. Wait, no that’s a bad idea too. If I offered her help she’d probably think I looked down on her, then she’d be intimidated or offended by me. I can’t risk that. What can I say to her? Does it even matter what I say? What would we do together; I’m sure she probably doesn’t enjoy studying, reading books and discussing them, or even watching the news. She is the kind of girl that wants excitement and real adventure. She doesn’t waste time on frivolous homework and worrying about every little score she gets. Perhaps that’s her strong point. She’s a philosopher. She probably understands the simplicity of life, and that existence in its entire splendor is only about enjoying the pleasurable things in life. Maybe I could learn a lot from her. She might be able to teach me how party, and make friends and live life to the fullest. The fire in her eyes did seem to be burning from deep within her being, maybe she could see how out of focus I am putting academics before myself. No, that couldn’t be it either; she would have said something before in class if she had such deep thoughts. Anyway I can’t risk living it up right now anyway. If I get good grades now and do well in graduate school I’ll get a high paying job, and then I’ll be able to live it up. Now I just have to focus. I’m sure she could respect my focus though. Maybe that’s what she is attracted to in me, my dedication to my studies. She probably knows how often I study and do work. I mean she never sees me at parties and whenever I’m eating in the cafeteria I’m still using my time for work. Maybe she thinks that if I’m that dedicated to my work than I will be equally dedicated to her. That is a very likely idea, girls I’ve talked to on the internet have always told me they love dedicated and honest guys. No, then again that can’t be it either, if girls were really into nice, honest, trustworthy, funny, and intelligent guys I would have at least had one date in my life by now. No, girls like those, tough macho guy types, who can drink an entire keg while bench pressing it at the same time. Why would she want to look at me then? I just can’t figure it out. I have a 4.o, I’m in all honors courses, and I can’t figure out why a girl would look at me.

What’s wrong with me? Am I getting stupider? Maybe that drink I had the first night here is doing this to me. Alcohol does kill brain cells, and I did drink a whole can of beer. Why did I give in to the peer pressure that night? Did I really think drinking would help me to make friends? It was a stupid idea. Plus all the guys there just laughed at me because it took me an hour or so to drink the whole thing. I don’t know how they drink all the beer that they do, the stuff tastes like nothing anyone in their right mind would enjoy drinking. Perhaps that will happen to me, the alcohol from the drink has killed some crucial cells in my brain, and now my brain is decaying. I do have Alzheimer’s disease in my family; maybe the alcohol set it off. I don’t want to lose my memory. I’ve learned too much to let it all go to waste. Wait that’s absurd, one beer won’t trash my brain. I’ve read studies where alcohol in moderation is actually good for you. What was I thinking?

Oh no, maybe that’s why she was looking at me. Word may have traveled of my failed attempt to drink and she was looking at me thinking, “that’s the guy who couldn’t handle one beer.” Her eyes did seem somewhat light, almost as if they were laughing at me. That’s probably why she glanced at me. Still I do have a better GPA than her. She can laugh and stare all she wants, I’ll be the success while she’s stuck in some do nothing job.

Wait no, that can’t be it, and what a mean thing for me to think. There are guys who don’t drink at all who still get girls. Sure, they do sports or something like that, but drinking really isn’t everything. Besides she would have probably made the connection a long time ago. The semester is almost over, and word travels fast here. She’s probably never even heard about that night. Maybe she’s impressed that I don’t drink. I have made it known that I’ve tried it, and it isn’t anything I really enjoy, or feel the need to do. Maybe she shares that idea and is looking for someone else she can be with who doesn’t drink. I know of some people here who hang out with people who drink, but still don’t drink themselves. Maybe she’s one of them. If she is that’s a very respectable thing. I mean to resist peer pressure every night and hold fast to your convictions is very hard to do. I can’t even study every night, sometimes I have to turn on the TV and watch a comedy or some mind numbing program. She must have the spirit of a saint. Oh no, that can’t be right either, I remember she was very much drunk one night and came to visit one of the guys on my floor. You don’t get that trashed if you’ve got that strong of convictions.

What am I doing? I’m losing class participation points by zoning out. Half the class has already gone by and I’ve only contributed a few answers. I can’t keep perfect grades by slacking off in such a frivolous manner. Then again I shouldn’t be selfish. I probably have enough points to not say a word for every class after this and still get an A. If I can’t figure out this simple question of why she would look at me, how can I hope to do anything else?

Female behavior is so strange and hard to understand. I know all about the whole playing hard to get game, and how some girls will pretend not to be interested and somehow one is supposed to find minute clues that a girl will give to let a suitor know she really is interested. Maybe her look at me was a clue. Perhaps it’s just the starting point for the whole hard-to-get game. Such a game seems to be based on tactics, logic, and reverse logic, and I do know all about such things. I should be able to do well at this game, and win her over.

Oh no, what if she’s just teasing me? Girls do that all the time too. They get some sort of pleasure out of playing with a man’s emotions. I do seem to be an easy target, and she was laughing and giggling with her friends shortly after the look. That’s probably it. I thought she was too pretty for me. What was I thinking that a girl like that could like me?

Wait a minute, if she was teasing me, she would have made some sort of gesture, or nod of the head toward me after the look to say to her friends, “what a loser.” She made no such move, and I know when people are talking about me or making fun of me. I’ve put up with it all my life and she wasn’t making fun of me. Girls have teased me like that before, but it’s always been much much more overt, and obvious.

One girl I remember dropped her pen right in front of me and bent down to pick it up rubbing her back side on me as she reached down. That was very awkward for me because I didn’t want to look like a pervert and I didn’t want to stare or enjoy it, but I did, and I blushed a bit, and all her friends just started to point and laugh.

No this was no tease. I would have to be humiliated some how for it to be a successful tease. Maybe she did want help with her homework. Maybe she even thought if she gave me a seductive look I’d be so desperate for a girl that I would easily turn to mush for her and do her homework and help her write papers, and in essence be her personal slave. I’ve had girls try that on me before. Like a fool I went a long with it, thinking that they did like me or something, and I obsessed on and on about them until I realized what they were doing to me. I won’t let a girl have that sort of effect on me again. No that can’t be it either. If she wanted a home work slave she’d have asked me much earlier. Now is no logical time to start asking for such a favor. It’s too late for any of my help to really make a difference in her grade. Plus I really don’t think she cares that much about this class. Maybe she knew me from somewhere. I do have a kind of familiar face. People mistake me for other people they know all the time. Maybe somehow my face triggered something in her mind and she just wanted to get another look at me to figure out if I was the person she knew or not. No, that can’t be it; she would have made an association like that a lot earlier. The brain just doesn’t put things together that slowly. Plus she seems like the type who if she thought she knew you, she’d come right up to your face and ask you.

Was she looking at me though, or was it my laptop? Maybe she just thought I have a cool computer. That is understandable it is top of the line, and designed to withstand all the rigors of usage by college students. No, it isn’t that either. She was definitely looking directly at my eyes.
I can’t help but admire her though. She is so beautiful even though she looks like she just came in here directly from bed. I think I may lose myself in those deep blue eyes of her’s. I hope she doesn’t notice me staring. I don’t think she will though, she’s just staring up at the ceiling now. I wonder what she’s thinking, maybe she’s dreaming of me, looking up at the ceiling just to be coy. Oh no, she looked back over at me, what should I do, I’ll just be coy too, I’ll look out the window, on the other side of me, just as if I was looking around the whole room. It is a beautiful day out anyway.